...being drunk, and trying to write a book

it was a long tuseday and mr jenkens had gotten sick of his rum. day after dya mr jekens had tried to find something fun to do,b ut to no avail. thus, the aclhochol started tofowl, and the fowl started to fall from the sky.

he'd alwase wanted to go hunting, drunk, but he had never. afraid of the concesuences of drinkign with a rifle in one hand, mr jekens had a voided the idea for some time now. but this is a new day, he said to himself. h wanted to try something new. soemthing dangerous.

mr jenkens puled out his thomphson MG gun and started shooting nazis just like inr eal life
but he didnt win. it was a harsh predicament in which mr jenkens found himself whtihnin tjhe confines of reality and outside the jokes of the evening. That made him feel good, even if it wa skind of insulting.,


the raptors of the evening founfd themselves scrathicn at the door fof the compound. the woman nnew lynyz she said, and she dried to hack the gibson. but WOW she didnt do it. te aptor had cut throught he glass aND ATE TH FUCKERS.

MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE TUTHEPASTE.

LETS GO SIT DOWN NOW.

...Yahoo answers

Dear yahoo answers question askers.

I like helping people. The joy I get from assisting the needy or the under informed is quite rewarding, and if I could, i'd do it more often. Before the internet, I was only able to give my very coveted advice to those in my immediate vicinity. these people were sometimes greatful, sometimes angry at the advice i'd give them. But every time I helped someone I felt better about myself in a little way. I wanted more of this "positive feeling" for myself. so i sought ways to help more and more people. along came yahoo answers.

For those who don't know, yahoo answers is an open-ended advice site provided by, well, yahoo. people get to ask and answer questions. They are appropriated points if they answer questions well or get picked for best answer. "great!" i thought, "i'll take a look and try to answer to the best of my ability", or so I thought. after browsing the site for a few minutes, I realized something startling: the people who ask questions in yahoo answers are beyond my ability help. the questions were not hard to answer, life threatening, or simply too complicated, but rather, the people asking the questions just seemed hopeless.

Firstly, I'm going to logically assume that most people who use yahoo answers are native English speakers. the site gets a few posts from people in India, and although their grammar can be a little fucked up, their questions usually have better English than the fodder who are from my native land.

Secondly, a lot of people who answer questions do not use the conveniently placed search bar at the bottom of every answer form to actually LOOK UP INFORMATION. why do people post answers to things they do not know the answer to? Assuming a solution to a problem is not going to help anybody. Furthermore, NO, god will not solve your problems of the flesh. preying to save your marriage when your husband is sleeping with another woman, wont do a god-damned thing.

And lastly, Why cant you people look up the trivial stuff on your own? yahoo is first and foremost, a search engine. is it so hard to type in a question into a form, which probably will get your results faster and more efficently? i guess not for most poeple.

But of course, thats why yahoo answers was created in the first place.

Despite all this, there are people who put yahoo answers to good use: They answer questions truthfully and intelligently, ask interesting and hard to-solve problems, and more importantly use their brains. Thank you, good users. Even though you're only 2% of the population, you make the internet so much more worth while.

-Love,
me.

...Your greenbeans, aunt.

Dear anonymous aunt:

Your greenbeans suck. They are chewy, flavorless, and have the texture of rubber. I'd love to tell you, but you happen to be an alcoholic who's pretending to be recovering, so i don't want to be overtly blamed for your recession back into the booze, which I can tell from the corner of your eye that you drink regularly. and whats worse is that you lie about it. to your husband and your kids and your relatives, because you cant cope with the pain of recovery.

But other than that, merry xmas everyone!

... Holiday television programming

Unfortunately for me, the holiday spirit is rampant across every nook and cranny of America. The one time of the year when we truly get to relax is now. Yet this time of family, big dinners, and ample television viewing time is tainted by a meme of America that needs to die out.

Holiday programming. starting November and continuing on through January, it pollutes the airways with it's message of joy and festiveness with endless images of idealistic snowscapes populated by scarf-wearing middle Americans. And this is just the commercials. The same movies, year after year, week after week, are repeated as if the world's last Christmas is upon us.

What kind of person does not get tired of this crap? most of these movies the networks show are comparable to, say, George of the Jungle starring Brendan Frasier, or worse. I've only seen George of the jungle twice, which is enough. never again will I probably watch George of the jungle and I can guarantee I will never have the urge once again to seek out and see this film. The same goes for these Christmas movies. the novelty of the theme wears off after the second showing. Lets try something new, shall we?

Someone needs to make a drama involving Santa. lets have it take place in July, in the middle of the elf's production schedule. suddenly, disease strickens the elf population, causing them to die in troves, but Santa and his crack team of biologist elves are on the job, racing to find a cure before it's too late to finish all the toys! the world waits in fear...

...Well, no. this movie idea should never be made.

The bottom line is, that television sucks during the holiday season. it sucks just enough to warrant me unplugging my TV for a good month. Good riddance, cable!

...People who think the movie The Last Temptation is blaspehmous

So this blog was started because I hate most everything involving people. You, as a my reader, probably have already decided that this blog is moronic, and thats fine, you can go blog about it somewhere else. more power to you.

My hatred this hour has been generated by reading reviews for the movie "the last temptation" on yahoo movies. (which you can find here: http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1800087273/info)

There's something particularly aggravating about people who take their faith so fucking seriously, that they cant take a fictional "what if" scenario and just brush it off for what it is: a what if scenario. So what if it portrays Jesus Christ as a normal, human individual. a lot of people I've talked to find that the movie enlightens them to be more attuned to him rather than hate people who created the movie!

Some religious fanatics protested the showing of the movie as if it was some sort of threat to their beliefs. Remember: It was just a movie. If your divine god's worshiper's life-long belief is threatened by a two and a half hour 'what if' scenario, you might want to ask why the tenants of your faith can't hold onto the members it's so desperately trying to save.

And why do some of these posters constantly refer to "the passion of the Christ" as a sort of rebuttal to this film? Although from a neutral perspective I did enjoy the story of the film, I find a sort of moral dilemma amongst a culture of people who find the blood-letting torture of a prophet more acceptable than a inquisitive insight into the mind of the man who was Jesus, and why he died for us. Why is the violence SO much more appealing to Christian audiences than the thoughts and human nature of their savior?

A humanistic Jesus just seems so much more appealing.